i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
