that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
