hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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