I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
