I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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