if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
