plz talk dirty to me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
