Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
