ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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