totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
