does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I need moral support for this bender
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
