if you like me you must not know who I am
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
