Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
