So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
