Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
