So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
