is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
