I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he just fucked me for my cheese..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
