It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
