ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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