Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"

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(760): View more from California

Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?

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(408): View more from California

um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this

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(972): View more from Texas

Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(559): View more from California

And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.

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(206): View more from Washington

The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?

(206): View more from Washington

...You'll thank me later.

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