Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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