Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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