Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
