If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Alive.
So much puke
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
