Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
