I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
