hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
