That's when you crack a 10am beer
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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