She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
