Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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