Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I supernannyed him into submission
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
