Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
