Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
