I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my shit smells like andre
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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