im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
