I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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