Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Randomize
