I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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