Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
