we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
