Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
