I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
