there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
