The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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