I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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