Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
