I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
