I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
