My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
